I’ve not been searching for permission after all
What drives your decisions? When you get down into the basement from which your decisions are based, what’s the instigator?
Anger has driven me for a long time. And that emotion created an action of defensiveness. I defend myself even when I don’t need to, which has been a deep groove to climb out of. I notice this emotional reaction shows up a lot in the later half of my cycle, the luteal phase/Inner Autumn. A time when my internal defenses come down and I’m left standing there naked, feeling like I need someone to rescue me.
Why do I feel I need someone to rescue me and where does that thought process come from?
I listened to Aubry Marcus’ podcast, I Lost My Dad, and the penny fell so hard it nearly crashed the car I was driving at the time. It made mic drops out of the many questions I had been carrying for such a long time, which started with this comment:
“We are looking for a blessing from the Father. We have a yearning for it, but how do we get it/find it”?
Having had a complex relationship with the father figure through my mum leaving my dad and then getting together with my stepfather; I was surrounded by rage, anger, and raw emotions (none of them mine). I grew up a people pleaser and the joker who tried to make it ok for everyone else (a trait I see many children picking up with ease through their lack of judgment and unbiased love). When I look back on this time, I see I had no time to grieve for the father I had lost because grief has no place in society, especially for children. Parents can’t stand to see children upset, so they smoother that with whatever tools they have (which was food and toys for me).
The Father calls us to our values and asks us to show up. I feel this is something most children miss out on because personally, culturally (and cosmically), Dad just doesn’t have the time. An emotional and cultural construct obstructs this message; whether it’s a divorce where feelings can’t find common ground or through work where the belief is that the man should be out earning and grafting with very little time to offer the wisdom and support that naturally flows through his veins.
And now we see The Mother, the person who holds us no matter what and will catch us wherever we fall, falling into the cultural belief that she only has time to work. We have no stories to build our emotional resilience and confident communication.
Where’s the foundation from which children can rise up when the stories are so distorted? I’ve carried the belief for many years of my father figure issues, not realising just how much I wanted my biological father back in my life and the impact that was having on all of my choices. Choices actioned from a place of fear, believing that I needed permission to act and create. I realise now what I’ve actually been doing is seeking the blessing and love from my father and The Father culture has hijacked.
And when we fear, we end up pushing all the love and nourishment away that we inherently seek to unite mind, body, and soul and make life so much easier to live.
Healing for myself came from trusting in my honesty, which felt incredibly hard to instigate, but was supported by incredibly wholesome humans who guided me towards where I wanted to be.
If you need those people, please do reach out.
Big love
Abi x